So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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