I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I am available for nakedness
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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