Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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