I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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