Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
