I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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