Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
