I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
