I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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