Barsexuality is the new black.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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