One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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