Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
