You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
