I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
