I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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