yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
be right there i have to get my cape
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
