Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
