No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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