that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
