I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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