you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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