Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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