just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just googled if crying burns calories
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
