i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
