I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
