At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
