Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
