I met the friendliest cop last night
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
