new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
