Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
