in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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