Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
