she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
