note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
