We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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