I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
