When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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