Define "chronic" masturbator.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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