i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
