Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
