I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
