Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
