I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
