Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
