I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
then he tried to convert me to islam
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
