So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
