eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
