We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
