I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
