I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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